Went to Yoga today and had a great class. What was way too easy in September was totally challenging today. I’m in very good spirits despite any silliness around me. I just can’t wait to meet her and hang out; feed her and dress her and bathe her. Hey I guess motherhood IS like playing Barbie. Especially when it’s a girl. I’ve somehow gotten my heart set on the name Raquel, even though J’s been rooting for that name for months. It’s grown on me and now I just love the uniqueness and the joy of the ‘el’ ending. Raquel Zara. So lovely.
I just spent 30 minutes giving a young blonde girl the evil eye on the subway. Because there I was, big as a house, standing in the doorway holding on to a pole for dear life, and she has the nerve to sit there staring at me. Not even bothering to pretend she couldn’t see my pregnantness like all the rest of the fuckers on the train.
Didn’t her mama teach her?!
I used to think that giving up one’s seat on the subway for a pregnant woman was just a polite thing to do. Her back probably hurts or something, right? But now I understand.
Now I reaaaaallly understand.
It’s so much more than that.
First of all, the pregnant lady might fall over. Her belly weighs THAT much. Public transit isn’t kind at the best times but add the weight of a baby to those jerks and swerves and you’re pretty much at the mercy of wherever that train is headed.
Second, the pregnant lady probably hasn’t been able to wear comfy shoes or clothing for weeks. NOTHING is comfy. There’s just no such thing as comfy anymore. Her Fred Flinstone feet barely even fit into those UGGS that are twice her usual size. And yes, they hurt. Especially after having to stand still for long periods. So give her that tiny bit of comfort. It’s all she’s got.
Third, she’s not in the mood to be gaped and stared at. Seven people at her office have already made “ready to pop” jokes today and they make her feel a bit on the circusy side. Get her out of the spotlight.
Fourth, yes her back hurts. Or if it doesn’t, by the end of this ride it will. If not her back then her hips, or her stretched belly or compressed lungs or seven other things that take turns hurting. Sitting will at least temporarily help ease one of those.
Fifth, she feels shitty overall. The glow has melted into lard and her formerly svelte face has gone balloony. She’s got a layer over her ankles that trumps grandmas cankles, and when someone is nice it really makes a big impact. It might just make her day.
So I’m almost there…. and I’d be convinced I was giving birth to a traffic cone/small bear if I hadn’t seen that ultrasound.
Other than waking up unable to breathe right, pins and needles in my hands, and the sensation that my hips have been glued into some sort of cro-magnon position, I sleep fine!
No, sleep isn’t coming that easy, but it’s worth it, just to feel that small elbow, knee, foot. The sensation makes me almost weep with happiness.
And while it’s true that the things happening or not happening in the washroom are becoming more relevant than things that happen or don’t happen in the bedroom….I don’t really care!
I fantasize about nursery colors, rocking chairs and the importance of zoo animals….
Standing is like holding a small microwave. Sitting is like Jabba the hut. Lying down is like being under a bowling ball.
I’ve mastered this facial expression: Give-me-that-seat-cant’-you-see-how-fucking-pregnant-I-am.
The word MuuMuu comes to mind when considering what to wear….
I used to be civilized. Nowadays, whimpering, farting, sighing, and grunting, are all fair game….Pant removal is the second best part of my day. Bra removal is the first.
Not. Much. Longer. Right? Promise?
It was a hard secret to keep, sort of. Ok it wasn’t really. I’m a Scorpio woman… I LOVE secrets.
It was a Friday in late June (the 19the actually) that I got a positive pregnancy test – a full week before my period was due. I just knew.
The line was so faint that I kept looking at it every ten minutes, trying to discretely look at it in different lights (natural light is the worst, fluorescent is the best) to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating those faint pink lines. I took another test the next day to be sure and it was even PINKER!
My husband I went for sushi that day and I leaned over the table and whispered it into his ear….. “I’m pregnant…” but I don’t know who was more in shock, me or him. The rest is history (and here’s some of the highlights)
…3 weeks pregnant
Friday June 22, 2011
Out for hot wings and perusing the “what to expect” app. Today, baby is the size of a …. Poppyseed!
Reading about how the little ball of cells burrows, and wondering how something without flippers or goggles or any other sort of swimming device can figure out how to travel just the right distance and then make its home in just the right place. We’ve both always been biology buffs, and this is like the ULTIMATE in fascinating biology.
When the waitress brought the bill she asked “are you pregnant?” Ha! Can you believe it? This was certainly the first person to have guessed it and I’m definitely not showing yet! She said she had seen us looking at baby-stuff on our phones (pretty astute, and very sweet). Then she pointed out that she had brought us 3 lollipops with our bill.
So adorable… Baby’s first present.
Saturday June 22, 2011
Ok so the eating thing has started. It’s weird.
Cravings so far? Avocado.
Avocado with a spoon for breakfast, Avocado sandwich at lunchtime, Avocado Milkshake with dinner (yes, it exists, at Pho!)
(Editor’s Note: 2 days later avocado became gross and I haven’t had it since.)
Thursday June 30, 2011
Beginning my 6th week. Both of us want things to go faster because from poppyseed to orange seed just isn’t enough progress. C’mon mini! But as our “what to expect” app reminds us… it’s a lot of work becoming a baby.
At my grandparents the other day my cousin David and I discovered their amazingly tasty kosher milk and set it down in the middle of the table with desert. Inadvertently, we had a sort of ‘milk toast’ to the news they didn’t know yet. I got a big kick out of it.
I can’t imagine that hiding it for very long though. Even now, before showing or barfing or much of anything… I feel like a roly-poly girl with a secret.
(And my god… these boobs!)
July 5, 2011
Only 3 weeks until the first scan, and hopefully good news so that we can tell a few people. Jason is of course amazing and trying to figure out what the hell I want to eat. Lettuce? Gross. Rice? God no. Celery? Yes please! Chili? Oh god, don’t even talk about it.
My most recent favorite thing: summer sausage on onion bun bread. With mustard. (Editor’s Note: 2 days later this was no longer palatable and we had to toss a pile of summer sausage in the trash because the smell, even in the fridge, was making me queasy)
On the weekend I got my nails done, then we went for a 4 hour bike ride, and went swimming. Too much? Decided to take it easy yesterday and we got into bed at 4:30 and watched The Notebook and cried our faces off. It’s a movie about true love.
Guess I’m feeling pretty sucky-face right about now…. So lucky.
July 17, 2011
Week 7 and a bit, and it’s still not easy to believe that this is real. On most days I can eat once or twice without wanting to toss my cookies but generally – the eating is not going so well. Sleeping on the other hand… is going spectacularly!
Despite eating less than a budgie, my pants don’t fit anymore. Not a single pair.
We’ve successfully dodged (straight up lied mostly!) friend’s inquiries. They still think we’re ‘trying.’ They should have figured out that a Scorpio and an Aries don’t try, they just DO IT! (Errr, figuratively.)
Next time around we probably won’t be as vocal about our impending quest for a mini-human. I didn’t realize how much pressure it would be and that when we did get pregnant, that we’d want to wait the 3 months to make sure everything was safe and sound. I’ve found myself not wanting to jinx it, for one thing, and also not wanting to tell anyone that would probably be more devastated than me to find out if for any reason something went amiss.
I can’t believe how many people go through the worst. I really can’t. I read about all of them on the baby forums and ugh… so heartbreaking. Also the people I know personally that have been through the most brutal things when it comes to pregnancy. But for all the horror stories I hear, thankfully most are told by moms. Even when it doesn’t work sometimes, it usually works eventually.
August 16, 2011
For the last month our baby has gone from an orange seed to a lime to a large plum. We’re calling him/her ‘butter tub’ today… long story… involving lobster and a ramekin of melted butter!
I’ve been in a nauseous, hyper-vigilant, exhausted daze for the past weeks. Some spotting (sorry TMI) has had me completely and utterly nervous but it’s apparently very normal AND an 8 week ultrasound showed a baby with a heartbeat and a cute little shape and some sort of hands and feet — you’re on your on way kiddo!
Jason’s been feeding me fruit and soup and whatever else I consider possibly palatable or can even entertain the idea of. He’s also been as tired as I am, which has been great for some lonnnnnng evenings in bed with True Blood, Game of Thrones, Masterchef, Chopped, and (shame!) America’s Got Talent. Whatever is on… we’ve mastered an Olympic level of cuddles, snacks, and naps. It’s kind of awesome.
My husband… my love… has been a heaven-sent prince. So wonderful (I love you!!!).
Grasping the fact that this is OUR baby… A mix of our DNA, genes, cells… and yet a being all-complete on her own….is dumbfounding.
I’ve definitely had some signs that this baby is going to take after dad…. namely… I swear that certain colors, fabrics, and patterns make me completely nauseous. That is SO Jason! What baby is grossed out by a weird shade of green? She also seems to not like super-hot showers. The only times I’ve felt certain that she moves were when I was in hot water. I swear I can feel her scramble when it’s too hot. (Sorry for trying to hard boil you, baby.)
I love being pregnant. I can’t wait for her to kick and hiccup and head-butt me in the bladder. I can’t wait to dance with her and sing to her and teach her words and see her face when she tries blueberries for the first time.
This Friday we get the 12 week ultrasound, which will be the green light to tell the world.
August 19, 2011
The last two days have soothed my budding mommy-heart. On Wednesday we went to meet our Obstetric team at Sunnybrook, and oh boy… were they ever fantastic. From the doctors to the nurses to the support staff, everyone was such a high caliber of awesome.
When we were getting the examination the doctor brought out a Doppler, which looks a bit like a fisher price karaoke machine, and after a few seconds of searching around on my belly, we heard the most amazing heartbeat. We also heard the baby kick pretty fiercely! It was the best sound ever imaginable.
Then yesterday we went for an ultrasound and saw the real thing. Beautiful perfect head, arms, legs, heart, belly. It’s so… unreal. My womb looks like a really cozy place though… I don’t think I’d mind taking a little 9-month vacation there either. No wonder they come out full of energy and ready for life!
Only 6 more months left – is that even possible? It’s moving SO fast now.
My belly is a garden, and from what I’ve seen so far – it’s doing a really, really good job of growing stuff! Baby’s growing ahead of schedule by five days.
First Trimester COMPLETE! Grow baby grow!